Because why.

An ancient, watery thing came to the shore of the Kaluniak River, and away from the ocean it ran. Upstream, downstream, like an electric bolt in its quickness. Not a creature was harmed. I am googling on Google. I key in the string:
"in the case for a better substring function"
and discover that Microsoft results come up early and often. Does Google have the cash to pivot?

Edit: formatting and a verb